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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 21, 2012 1:35am-2:05am PDT

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>> stephen: (screaming) tonight! scandal rocks the justice department and it rocks it like a hurricane. (cheers and applause) then taco bell reveals a new fast food innovation. they're not just thinking outside the bun, they're thinking outside the periodic table. and my guest daniel klaidman has a new book about the secret war on terror. it takes ten years to read and half of it is blacked out. (laughter) a beverage company has developed a beer for dogs. great, now i need a new designated driver. (laughter) this is report report
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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (audience chanting "stephen"). >> stephen: welcome to "the "report", everybody, good to have you with us. welcome to our two of "the report". (laughter) nation... (laughter). kind of feels like it for those of them who are in the studio with me right now. folks, i don't have to tell you that illegal immigration is a
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problem in this country. because i can pay a mexican to tell you for me. (laughter) but this week a pew research study revealed the most shocking new threat to our pourous borders since the hispani-pult. (laughter) jimmy? let's frighten some people. >> asian americans now the fastest-growing race in the united states. asians overtook hispanics between 2000 and 2010 when it comes to the percentage of people immigrating to the country. >> stephen: yes! asians are the new mexicans! (laughter) our nacho nemesis has morphed into a ramen rival. (laughter) and worse, they know all our lucky numbers! (laughter) i never told anyone about 34! evidently, this inv-asian is due to an increased demand for
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highly skilled workers with many recruited by u.s. companies. nation, we're getting boxed in! mexicans do the jobs we don't want to do and asians do the jobs we're not able to do. (laughter) i believe... (cheers and applause) i believe that leaves only three jobs for white americans: senator, ralph lauren model or band member. (applause) now, folks, remembers saw this threat coming. that's why the g.o.p. hispanic outreach web page featured a stock photo of asian children. (laughter) they know that asians are just kung fu mexicans. (laughter) nation, after we finish our mexican border wall, we need an even bigger wall around china! (laughter) and i mean a good wall!
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no, no, scratch that. more than a good wall, a super awesome wall! the super awesome wall of china. yes, jimmy, something like that, but in china. (laughter) wait a second, what am i say something a wall won't help. these juan-tons are directly below us on the planet. they can just dig their way up into the united states. (laughter) we need a full steel barrier across the floor of america! and we should electrify it. of course, that means we'll all have to wear rubber shoes. wow, that's a lot of shoes. wait a second, what am i saying? we'll get phlegm china. (laughter) now, folks, not that mexico isn't still a problem in its own right. case in point: the obama administration's ongoing coverup of operation fast and furious. i'm so mad about this, folks,
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just thinking about fast and furious makes me... i don't know, quickly angry. (laughter) fast and furious is the biggest scandal in history that i have forgot on the ever talk about. (laughter) but luckily fox news did not. >> operation fast and furious. >> operation fast and furious. >> operation fast and furious. >> operation fast and furious. that was that botched thing where the bureau of alcohol, tobacco, firearms and explosives sold millions of dollars worth of webs to violent mexican drug cartels. >> stephen: yes, fast and furious was an unconscionable waste of money to promote senseless acts of violence-- just like the movies it was named for. (laughter) since 2011, folks, california representative and slytherin house master darrell issa has demanded... (laughter). has demanded key documents that attorney general eric holder has brazenly withheld on the flimsy
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excuse that they would endanger undercover agents. folks, that's too convenient. i think holder is hiding a far more sinister truth. >> fast and furious. do you know what that was about? let's get some guns from some arizona gun shops into the hands of some drug cartels and let them start wiping people out, then we'll spread the news that those guns came from america! >> they're flooding mexico with guns so they can turn around and say look at all these guns showing up at violent crime scenes in mexico. we have to regulate these gun shops in america. >> very clearly they made a crisis and they're using this crisis to somehow take away or limit people's second amendment rights. >> stephen: yes, very clearly! obama started this gun-tracking program in 2006 when he hypnotized george bush. (laughter) then he secretly order attorney general holder to order the justice department to order the a.t.f. to order gun shops to sell guns to mexican drug cartels and then lose track of them thereby panicking americans
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to gin up support for the draconian gun control measures that obama has never introduced. (laughter) complicated? yes. the fevered rambles of a syphilitic brain, perhaps? but occam's razor says my answer is right or i will cut you with a razor. (laughter) well, folks, to put a stop to this very clear plot, today congress took action. >> the vote has just come through here. issa and the house panel has found holder in contempt of congress. >> stephen: shocking that they found someone who didn't already hold congress in contempt. (laughter) and, folks, we know our gun rights are precious. as ohio congressional hopeful joe "the candidate the plumber" illuminates in his powerful new ad. >> in 1911, turkey established
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gun control. from 1915 to 19171.5 million armenians unable to defend themselves were exterminated. in 1939, germany established gun control. from 1939 to 1945, six million jews and seven million others unable to defend themselves were exterminated. i love america. (laughter) >> stephen: i love america, too. i mean, where else can you spend an afternoon just shooting produce and talking about the holocaust? (laughter) where else? (cheers and applause) not iran. can't do do that in iran. they deny produce ever happened. (laughter) and, folks, joe the plumber's right. you take away unfettered access to weapons and the streets run with blood. i mean, just look at new york
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city which has severely restricted gun permits since 1911. now, sure there's been no genocide yet, but every year thousands of ne new yorkers are sent to camps and forced to make lanlanyards and potholders. joe knows that without our guns we'd be exterminated by fascist fruits and vegetables. (laughter) and what do you know? michelle obama happens to grow organic carrots and cabbage at the white house! that can only lead to creeping sharia law is. (laughter) of course, liberals were outraged at joe suggesting gun control led to the holocaust. that's why his preteen spokesman phil cleared up the misunderstanding by implying that gun control also led to slavery. "well, brachs weren't allowed to own guns in the south, that's a historical fact as well." (laughter) yes, sadly slaves couldn't fight
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the slaveholders because they were only given three-fifths of a gun. (laughter) in fact, every bad thing in history was caused by gun control. the dinosaurs would vice president gone extinct if they could have defended themselves against that asteroid. (laughter) and you know as a christian i just wish jesus had been packing. (laughter) hey, judas, you want 30 pieces of silver? would you settle for 30 pieces s of lead? (applause) i'm telling you, finally the gospel would have had a happy ending. we'll be right
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. now, folks... folks they say you are what you eat which is why to stay sexy i eat only beef cake. (laughter) this is thought for food. nation, i always love when a product made in america becomes a hit worldwide. from blue jeans to the iphone to hellfire missiles. (laughter) in the middle east, those things are blowing up. (laughter) well, tonight i am proud to report that america has done it
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again. >> doritos, taco bell, the 3:00 a.m. munchies, put them all together and get one of the most successful product launches in history. 100 million dorie toes tacos has sold in just ten weeks. is that possible? >> stephen: oh, it's very possible. and ten minutes later it's very passable. (laughter) think about that. 100 million doritos tacos. to put that many perspective if you laid all those tacos end to end this guy would eat them. (laughter) folks, this miracle product just might be our way out of our global financial meltdown. a crunchy dorito shell can increase the sales appeal of anything. yes, europe is in financial freefall but the solution's obvious. good-bye euro; hello eurito. (laughter) and detroit always needs a boost so on every new car, replace
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crumple zones with crunch zones. if you get into an accident, you can just eat your way to safety. (laughter) you are your own jaws of life. and, folks, i am not surprised these tacos are popular. i am a long-time fan of doritos and i know that nothing can improve their taste. (laughter) ex... yum. (laughter). (cheers and applause) oh, yeah. yum. hmm. (laughter) that's so good i'm going chew the rest of that later. (laughter)
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next up: i love writing letters. there's something so nice about that hands-on experience of cutting up magazines to spell "i'm watching you." (laughter) of course, when i'm licking envelopes that's precious time my tongue could be spending tasting food. well, now there's a solution: flavorlopes. this amazing actual product replaces the bland envelope glue with five fruit flavors: apple, cherry, grape, orange and strawberry. it's the best chance most americans have of getting three to four servings of fruit a day. (laughter) folks, this is the greatest innovation in postal flavor technology since those stamps i got from that guy at the phish concert. (laughter) that made me taste sound. (laughter) that's why from now on i'm going
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to use flavorlopes to write all my letters. in fact, i'm going to write a letter to my nana right now. okay. dear nana, how are you? ring, ring, that's the phone, gotta go, love stephen. (laughter) all right, just put that there, all right. i'll put that in there. now just seal my flavorlope and... yum, yum. that's like a strawberry short cake made love to a boiled horse. (laughter) and, folks manna! manna! and the success of flavorlopes reminds me that all too often there are things my mouth comes in contact with that have no taste. now, sure, the straw brings the tasty drink to my lip but the straw itself is a bland plastic
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tube. in between sips i'm in a phantom zone of flavorlessness. you know what else has no flavor but spends a lot of time in my mouth? my teeth. they don't taste like anything. i want veneers infused with razzleberry. (laughter) and what about all this boring air i breathe? it's passing over my tongue right now and i'm tasting nothing. that's why i'm proud to introduce stephen colbert's taste-pirator. it's a crunchy dorito shell breathing mask. (laughter) you can strap it on and take a deep breath. your lungs will never be hungry again. (laughter) warning: overuse of the taste-pirator may lead to severe cases of nacho lung. (laughter) i'll eat anything that moves! we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back everybody, my guest tonight has a new book about obama's war on terror called kill or capture. i didn't realize capture was an option. please welcome daniel klaidman. (cheers and applause) hey, thank you very much. mr. klaidman, thanks so much for coming on. >> thanks for having me! >> stephen: all right, sir, you're a special correspondent for "newsweek" and the daily beast and you got a new book called "kill or capture: the war on terror and the soul of the obama presidency." how could this be the soul? him killing or capturing terrorists? how could that be the soul of the obama presidency because you had this guy when he was running he's this loosey goosy touchy
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feely artsy fartsy want to get to know you let's close guantanamo and sing couple buy ya candidate and now he's a stone cold killer. how is that possible? >> that's what i found in reporting this book. you had the law professor, the liberal idealist and he sort of morphed into this kind of caped crusader who was kind of the commander of the american killing machine. so how did that happen? that's what the book is about. >> stephen: are you saying that he'sal el? (laughter) >> well, not literally. but he's a complicated guy and i think that obama from the very beginning i think understood that if he was going to fight this war in a way that didn't involve occupying countries and sending hundreds of thousands of troops to foreign lands that maybe having a more targeted and precise capability such as drones would kind of fit his
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basic approach. >> stephen: speaking of the drones, that is one thing that i don't like about this book, okay? and it's that i know what he's doing. this is our national security here. you have printed what the president is doing in going after our enemies. now our enemies know he's trying to kill them! >> i think the terrorists know about the drones. >> stephen: there's an investigation going on right now. once you avoid lengthy prosecutions, look in that camera and reveal your source. (laughter) >> well, thanks for the offer. you know, i promised my sources that i would not reveal their identities. >> stephen: uh-huh. can i guess? can i stkpwhes are their initials b.o.? (laughter) >> i'm not going to say. if journalists started to do
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that some of the important information i write about and others write about wouldn't get out there and who knows one day you might be president. you might want to trust me, don't you? you might want to have drones. >> stephen: someday i might be the target of a tkroep. (laughter) how does he... how does obama make these decisions. this imperial president who kills who he wants. (laughter) how does he make these decisions? >> well, you know, there is a pretty vigorous process within the government before it gets to him. >> stephen: magic 8 ball? (laughter) and. >> and then he does make the final decision. >> stephen: he makes the final call? >> he makes the final call. >> stephen: to fly the drone. he sits in the white house with the basement actually getting the guy with a controller? "barack, come up to dinner!" "i'll be up in a minute! i can't save the game! i have to go back to the beginning of the war!" >> i will say his chief counterterrorism advisor john brennan and his other